Sometimes, I think I am the strongest person and the weakest person I know. It's ok to be sad, right?
It can be really hard not being a social person. Sitting here, I realize that most of my life the "social" part was forced. Not that I had to force it, just that I was social because I was working. That in itself causes a person to be somewhat social. Now, that I am retired and no work life, social has pretty much gone out the window. I've had to admit to myself that I am not, naturally a social being. Being a widow means that I spend a lot of my hours alone. Life sure can throw curve balls sometimes. Too much time to think, perhaps. Even though I have a lot of family, it is not the same as having that life partner who shares your everything. That someone who listens to you because they love you and you don't have to be that strong person when you don't feel it. Because they are there to lean on. I don't think that we were meant to be alone. But sadly, sometimes being alone is the only option.
Life isn't always good, even when, to all outward appearances, one's life doesn't have many problems. Not that I want any problems, but a problem free life doesn't mean it's always a happy life or that one is happy in the moment. I do spend some time on social media. Not that I would call that being social, but it seems to be the way people connect these days. For all the people on social media, even it can feel like a lonely place.
It's ok to cry, we all do at times. Well, I do anyway. And I just need to convince myself that I am fine.
I just feel guilty for feeling sad or feeling sorry for myself. Most the time, I am a fairly positive and upbeat person. That's probably why I beat myself up when I feel that I am being neither of those (even if it's only briefly). I guess we are all hardest on ourselves.
For most of my life, I've been the strong person for others. The shoulder, the comforter, the sounding board, the listening ear and the one to cheer them up and onward. It's probably why I find it very difficult to ask anyone for anything. If I am so good at that for others, it seems I should be able to do the same for myself.
I know I will figure it all out and tomorrow I'll be fine. But, for today I just want to feel my sadness and cry.
The bottom line is that it is ok to be unhappy. It is ok to cry and it is ok to be sad. And it is ok to say it, too. Because tomorrow is a new day and things will look brighter. But tonight just feels cloudy and cold.
So if you are sad, unhappy or just lonely... I want you to know, I am right there with you.